When we feel valued and supported we can show up as our best version in the daily challenges of parenting – when the toddler spills milk all over the kitchen, when there is incessant bickering between our children (again!), when one of our children looks like they might be coming down with something (also – again!) and we have to make the split-moment decision on what to do (shall I take them to school? Keep them home? Is the tummy hurting because they had a fight with a friend or are they getting a dreaded tummy bug? What about childcare and the meetings I’ve had scheduled?).
It’s great when we have a supportive partner, community or family around us to help - but sometimes we don’t. This is where feeling valued and supported can come from ourselves – by choosing to plan and prioritise self care. “Self-care” isn’t necessarily about taking a bath or treating ourselves to a piece of cake – although sometimes that’s what we need. It can also mean something very different. And of course self-care isn’t going to resolve that spilled milk or stop the bickering – but it will allow you to feel calmer and more confident while you’re handing the situation.
I know that you know (that I know that you know.. – excuse my “Friends”quote) that getting more sleep, regular exercise, fresh air and quality nutrition can make a real difference to how you feel – so I’m not going to talk about that. I suggest looking at targeted self care that is meeting your specific needs now and in future:
- Time to tune into your needs and challenges.
Is there a chore that has been on your mind for weeks and adding towards the feeling of anxiety? Make sure to plan for the time to do it tomorrow, reach out to get help or to delegate it – then enjoy ticking it off your list. Is your body feeling stiff and achy? Go for a walk or try gentle pilates stretches. Do you feel isolated and disconnected from the people you care about? Get in touch to schedule a coffee, call or a walk together.
- Plan in advance.
Some periods are just more demanding on us, and while often they happen unexpectedly and we just fire fight to our best ability, some can be predicted and planned for – for some parents it’s the busy pre-christmas period, for others it might be school holidays or exam season. We have much better chances at dealing with these busy, exhausting, emotionally turbulent periods if we take time to look after ourselves in preparation to them, and schedule some “getting up for air” breaks in the midst of the chaos.
- Keep reminding yourself why self-care isn’t optional.
Let’s be honest – more often than not we start with good intentions, but then life takes over – our child gets sick, the unexpected meeting pops up in the calendar, the financial situation feels challenging – and our self care plans go right to the bottom of priority list until “later” (also known as the day that never comes). With time physical and emotional exhaustion builds up, but moreover – we can start feeling resentment towards our loved ones and experience low self esteem as we never seem to come first. There is a reason why “putting your own oxygen mask before helping others” is an cliché message – because it’s true. Another reason you might want to consider is that by taking responsibility for own self-care you are passing this value to your children, who always learn so much more from our actions than our words.
I hope that some of the thoughts in this post might be useful, and if you feel that you need some additional support in exploring your needs and challenges, please do get in touch with me via info@breathingspacecounselling.co.uk