First of all, please know that you are not alone. While it may seem that other parents are always happy and confident in their parenting roles, in reality many struggle with feelings of anxiety, doubt or fear but may find it difficult to talk about them. Social media can increase the sense of isolation, when all you can see are happy posts with families having fun – this is often not the full story and sometimes the happiest photos can be used as a protective shield by the parent who is feeling overwhelmed, worried and simply not good enough.

So let’s start by acknowledging how normal and common it is to feel anxious as a parent – but what can you do if the parental stress and anxiety start to dominate your life, draining you physically and emotionally?

There is a lot of advice out there, and we all know that good sleep routine, healthy diet, exercise and time for self-care can all improve our mental health overall and help our anxiety. However, the sheer amount of “top tips” and “lifehacks” promising a relief is overwhelming and can leave us more confused than ever – do I try meditation or colouring? Boxercise or pilates?? Chat with a friend or a gratitude journal???

My suggestion is to start by taking a closer look into where the anxiety is coming from – which of your needs are not being met, and what are the key stressors that are making your life particularly challenging right now?

Sometimes it’s really hard to know the answer, so let me offer some examples that other parents have shared with me:

• you may feel that you are crumbling under the weight of being solely responsible for all decision making when it comes to your children’s life;
• you might find that you are desperate for any time for yourself but every spare moment is dedicated to work and/or your family and your own needs are consistently not being met;
• perhaps you are constantly doubting your own parenting choices which might be because you are working hard not to repeat your parent’s mistakes - yet you are not sure what the alternative can look like;
• you may be struggling with “parental perfectionism” and feeling the pressure to meet the impossibly highly set expectations whether this is around your children’s food/activities/academic success or anything else that feels important. The stakes can feel very high and the fear of making the wrong choices can be overwhelming.

There may be many other stressors or triggers for your feelings of anxiety or overwhelm, and the first step is to notice and acknowledge them.

Once you had a chance to reflect and – ideally – write those down on a piece of paper, the next thing you might do is consider what resources or practical solutions might help to address each one. For example:

• if you feel that your co-parent isn’t being sufficiently supportive, can you sit down and reconsider who is responsible for various parental duties? If that doesn’t feel possible, try to reflect on what are the obstacles and what can help to overcome them;
• If you are feeling exhausted, can you carve 20 minutes a day to do something just for yourself– and prioritise it knowing that your emotional wellbeing benefits not just you but the whole family? I’ll share some thoughts on self-care in another blog post soon, so if this might be helpful, please watch out for it.
• if you find that you are particularly stressed or anxious at certain points of the day, can you find 2 minutes before these moments to practice some calming breathing techniques ? One of my favourites is box breathing where you breathe in to the count of 4, hold breath for the count of 4, breathe out for the count of 4 and hold for the count of 4 – then repeat. Giving yourself just a few minutes to focus on your breath can reduce stress and help with anxiety;
• if you notice that you store a lot of anxiety in your body and it manifests in aches and pains, try to find an opportunity to move. Any gentle movement can be of great help, whether you’re dancing to your favourite tunes (singing along is encouraged!) around the home for 10 minutes, going for a walk or doing an exercise class – whatever feels most enjoyable and can be incorporated regularly is the best;
• sometimes the best thing we can do is to share our feelings, thoughts and fears in atmosphere of support and acceptance – whether it’s a kind friend who you can open up to without the fear of judgment, a parenting group who you are feeling safe with, or a counsellor.

Please be kind to yourself as you’re trying to figure this out – it is not always easy and sometimes we all need a bit of extra help. If you feel that you need some additional support to explore and address the feelings of parental anxiety or overwhelm through counselling, please do get in touch via info@breathingspacecounselling.co.uk